A Croatian Comedy

September 24, 2024 – Uber Adventures

My wife and I land in Split at night, ready for our glorious Croatian expedition. We decide to take an Uber to our Airbnb because we’re budget travelers who pretend we’re classy. Our driver, Zorana, apparently thinks we’re competing in airport hide-and-seek. After a symphony of “I’m far away” messages, she appears with a honk like she’s found the final treasure chest.

One hour and 30 Euros later, we reach our stop. But my half-asleep wife hands Zorana a full 40 Euros and waits for change that never returns from Narnia. Thankfully, Nina, our superstar host, guides us to our apartment where we collapse onto a bed with a balcony that screams “Take selfies here.”

September 25, 2024 – Bus Bingo and Krka Shenanigans

Morning arrives, and we prepare to face Split’s bus system. We download the PROMET SPLIT app, but activating the tickets feels like solving an ancient riddle. Eventually, we surrender and just hand the driver 6 Euros like the old days.

Next stop: Krka National Park with our guide, Ande—the guy with the white umbrella and unlimited jokes. He warns us it might rain but no one leaves. We hop on a bus named Robert (or something like that) and off we go.

Ande creates a WhatsApp group so we don’t disappear into the wilderness. We pay the park fees, admire the sparkling water, and take enough photos to fill an entire hard drive. After two hours, we head to Primošten.

Primošten: Food Fiascoes & Beach Bliss

Primošten looks like a postcard someone forgot to Photoshop. Ande recommends Restaurant Galija, so we bravely order Black Risotto—delicious, mysterious, and apparently made to defeat humans. We eat half and leave the rest as an offering to the food gods. Ande listens to our story like he’s heard this 500 times.

At 5 PM, we’re back in Split where a bird decides my head is its personal bathroom. My wife tries to fix the damage like a part-time hairdresser. I remain grumpy.

We stroll the promenade anyway. A juice stall promises “fresh orange juice” but serves a potion that tastes like regret. My wife’s expression alone could sue the juice guy.

We return to the apartment feeling defeated but alive.

Day 3: The Blue Cave That Never Happened & The Morning That Tried to Destroy Us

7:00 AM – The Plan Looked Good on Paper
We had a 7:30 AM speedboat trip to five islands including the famous Blue Cave. Easy, right? Google Maps said “bus stop here.”
Bus zooms past—on the other side of the road.
Only then do we remember: Croatia drives on the right. Ireland and India have betrayed us.
Facepalm level = Olympic Gold. Jango njangal pettu.

7:10 AM – Uber Chaos Round 1
We book an Uber.
Driver: “Where are you?”
Me: “Near Tommy supermarket!”
Driver: “My friend… there are 47 Tommy supermarkets in Split.”

I run inside the nearest Tommy to ask the staff for the exact location. Apparently, the word “location” translates to “I’m here to rob you” in Croatian because the entire staff looks terrified and starts doing the sign of the cross. Not a word of English. Fabulous.

7:15 AM – Ex-Angel Ande Appears
Out of nowhere, Ande appears. My wife screams “ANDEEEE!” like he’s descending from heaven.
We explain everything. He thinks for two seconds, shrugs, says, “Try another Uber,” and disappears.
Angel status: revoked.

7:18 AM – Fancy Lady to the Rescue
A well-dressed Croatian lady stands nearby. We plead with her to talk to the driver. She looks scared to even touch my phone. After two sentences in Croatian, the driver responds, “I’m very far. Please cancel.”
Time: 7:20 AM.
Tour cost: 200 Euros non-refundable.
Mood: Funeral.

7:22 AM – Zebra Crossing Olympics
New Uber arrives on the opposite side. We sprint across two zebra crossings like participants in the Hunger Games.
Driver messages: “I’m here!”
…at the old spot.
Back we run. The fancy lady is now our unofficial Uber manager.

7:28 AM – Enter Muslim, the Comedian Driver
We hop into the Uber.
Driver: “Guess my name! It's more Islamic than any Muslim name.”
We are stressed, but he insists.
“Mohammed?”
“No.”
“Allah?”
“No! Bigger!”
His name is literally MUSLIM.
And he’s not even Muslim.
“I might name my son Christian Muslim,” he says proudly.
Sir, please drive. We’re hanging by a thread.

7:38 AM – The Final Sprint
We reach the dock. The tour guy yells, “We waited 10 minutes! RUN!”
We pay Muslim bhai, scream “HVALA!” and sprint like Olympians.

7:42 AM – Speedboat of Doom
We board a speedboat with saddle seats. The front row is “reserved.”
The lucky soul is an uncle whose face permanently says “I need the toilet.”
We nickname him Kakkoos Annan. His wife laughs at him the whole time.

The boat goes 70 km/h but feels like 300. My wife is crying-laughing at Kakkoos Annan. I’m just clinging to life.

Dolphins jump beside us. Skipper shouts, “Good luck sign!”
Uh-huh. Sure.

The Plot Twist of the Century
After all this chaos and cardio…
The Blue Cave is CANCELLED due to “weather.”

We still visited four islands, did snorkelling, and a sea urchin attacked my foot like it had personal revenge.